mymindconduit: Fakes Toys

I realize I’m treading old ground here because the internet is awash with people humiliating bootleg toys and fake merchandise but I here feel the need to share my experiences, thoughts and feelings on the matter and provide you with my own insights into some of the finest rip offs we have been blessed with.

I have always had an acute fascination with fake goods (bootlegs, rip offs or whatever you want to call them) and think they are fucking hilarious, bringing me to tears for the better on many occasions throughout my life. Fakes were pretty bad when I was younger and the earliest memory that comes to mind was a ‘Burke Simson’ T- shirt I seen some poor kid wearing in the very early 90’s. Of course this was supposed to be ‘Bart Simpson’ but the name along with the skin tone and shape of his head had been skewed to the extent that this impostor only vaguely resembled Bart.

I myself had a close call with a bootleg when I was younger at an indoor market down in Blackpool when on holiday with my folks sometime in the early 1990s. There in this indoor market hanging high above my head was a fake teenage mutant ninja turtles (T.M.N.T) jogging suit with a graphic emblazoned upon it which appeared to depict a melee of green characters engaged in some form of combat. It didn’t take too close an inspection to conclude that these were not the genuine turtles of mainstream popular culture which I knew that all my friends were familiar with. These mutant turtles appeared to be undergoing a mutation that had transgressed that of their authentic counterparts. For some strange reason the designer of this piece thought it would be good to give these turtles a ‘ LARGE YELLOW BEAK’ akin to that of a parrot’s in place of the wee oblong faces which characterize the genuine turtles we are all familiar with. To add insult to injury these impostors also appeared to be longer limbed than their authentic counterparts making them look ‘lanky’, ‘forlorn’ and horrendously pathetic. I couldn't and still cannot locate the logic of these design flaws………even at a young age (10 -12) I would look beyond these horrific designs and ask myself how could this happen? How could someone think that making these was a good idea?

Anyway, in the market my mum raised her right hand towards this horrific looking jogging suit and pressed against it slightly as a means to present it to me, looking toward me at the same time as if to seek my approval. At this moment she muttered something like “what about this one?” but by the time she had finished saying it, she’d made eye contact with me and I knew from her look that she had identified the despair on my face, and as a response to my behavior she in turn appeared to slump into a despair because of my disapproval………. “Ah bless…. my wee maw, the things she had to put up with” I can now say to myself in reflection. At the time however I was genuinely mortified at the prospect of owning this absolute fucking tear jerker of a garment as the possibility of beatings from my disapproving acquaintances back home permeated my fears. Now you could say that I was materialistic but I was not taking a kicking for this, and that’s the way I looked at it.

I have tried in vain to source an online image of said bootleg in question but sadly without success to this date, I hope the following compensates to some extent.....

Tortoise!!!

More turtle's, this time on horseback; one of them minus an eye and about to decapitate their beloved equine....

What fascinates me more than anything, more than the hilarity itself is the very fact that these fakes come to be in the first place. Throughout my youth I can remember wondering; How can another human, clearly older, clearly more mature than I, an adult for fuck sake create these products? Because’ does it not suggest that those responsible for making these products actually believe in what they are doing?............ they believe in the worth of their creations! Can this be true?

I wonder also though if this may be just an experience felt within the current generations and in fact some of our parents (the older ones) are or were oblivious to the necessity of owning a genuine product as opposed to a fake because as children, they themselves did not need to worry about label and brand elitism as such a culture did not exist yet. As I do not have any kids of my own I can only imagine how bad the problem is these days but am certain that it is indeed a problem.

I say this because not too long ago when wandering around Paisley I was drawn to one of those shambolic domestic goods stores, you know one of the ones that sell anything and in no particular order, the ones with the overcrowded window behind which you’ll likely find a life size Charlie Chaplin statue, an anorexic porcelain clown, hash pipes, strobe-lights, 5 different shapes of bin, I.R.A toys, psychedelic fag tins and a Hampden park ashtray. Amidst the cluttered window display I caught sight of this sorry state of affairs……..

Pop Station: The horrific Nemesis of the Sony P.S.P and

an absolute heartbreaker at Christmas no doubt!

So my initial reaction was to laugh when I seen this but my feelings changed to that of sympathy as I began to imagine the fear and sense of isolation felt by the poor kid that got one of these on Christmas morning. This device may aswell have come with a free t-shirt with 'BULLY ME PLEASE' printed on the back. The problem is much worse than this though because after much research online I found an abundance of absolute fucking tearjerkers which il share with you here.

Check this out; a review of 'The Polystation 3', yep an absolute beezer of a 'Playstation 3' rip-off........

Polystation 3: Sorrow awaits the child gifted with one of these

Nintendont are at it aswell with their take on the 'Wii'....the Nintendo 'Wee'........aye the 'wee' man will be in tears this Christmas morning when he see's this under the tree.............

More portable bullying magnets....

Another playstation rip off............................. Super Megason 4

Advanced boy................................keep believing that and youl be fine

Darth Vader during his undocumented bout of depression during which time he was said to have temporarily lost use of the force for a number of months......................

Vader on coke, in mexico

UZAY........

A completely valid case for Christianity..............

Thomas the tank engine appears to be winning the war on drugs by the look in his eyes...

Teletubby 'Dipsy' appears to be loosing the war on drugs however. By the look in his eyes he's at the arse end of a heroin bender and would have no qualms murdering a member of his own family.................

Harry Potter's car seem's to have been cut from the story lines we are all familiar with.............

I pity this fool.......

Spiderman, that time he needed a gun....

here's a value pack of superhero's. One can assume that the 'sense of right alliance' is someones take on 'the avengers' or 'the justice league'. I think ther's genuine scope for this movie but i dont think they'l fit into the car.