I am crying inside because this program exists, not enough to bring
about physical tears but deep inside I know without doubt, conflict or
question that humanity has made a mistake for this to have happened...........
There's a program on on ITV 1 daytime called 'Crime Stories' that I
was first made aware of about two weeks ago. I was taking some time out
from applying for jobs and decided to take a trip downstairs to the living room
to sit with my mum and have a cup of tea and read the days paper. As I read my
attention was broken as my mum voluntarily announced "that's that
boiy(Glasgow slang for boy/young male human)from emmerdale"
Alerting me, I was immediately drawn to the television, looking towards
it critically as I often did to see what pish my mum was wasting her
eyes on..............I looked at the screen, began to take in what I was seeing
and confusion set in. I was baffled.
I asked as i often did "whats that your watching?"........and
she replied"crime Stories". And as I further attempted
to digest what i was seeing....................on screen a young man was
being questioned by police in a custody room, and
i vaguely recognized him as some actor from Emmerdale.
However to confuse matters a narrator at this point began to explain in a
genuine and authoritive manner the reason as to why this young man was
being held in police custody. This was narrated in a style very similar to that
done on real life crime documentaries such as 'police camera action'. At this
point I couldn't work out whether this program was reality
crime ( in the same vein as shows like 'Police, Camera, Action')
or drama due to the bizarre mixture of both that it was
conveying....a real actor being filmed in actual custody for an actual crime,
surely not?
So to make this clear to you, the people who have made this show have made a
fictional crime drama, which they make look real by filming, structuring,
editing and narrating it as if it was a reality television program but admit
from the opening credits that none of this is real or based on any
truth...............so why bother making the fucking thing..........I just
don't get it!
I know people like a bit of drama, but they pointlessly try and
integrate elements of reality tv…it doesn't work and I cant
understand how anybody could give this program the go ahead!
My question to the producers of this show is this: "Whats the
point in using a reality television format if your not even pretending its
real?"
Further, people enjoy reality television because of the
consequences experienced by those who are taking part in the reality
experiment (tv show). This show contains no reality, so why does the format,
production, editing and narrating suggest that it is real but yet does not hide
that it is not?
Now I wouldn't like to think anybody would think im
being a smart arse here but I honestly at any point or turn within my own
psyche cannot conclude as to why this format could be accepted by any qualified
person as a good idea. I have even wondered if Chris Morris
or Armando Ianucci planted this seed on the ITV for a laugh .Unlike
their successful sojourns into television, this program however only
contains half the integrity of satire.......... you know the weird bit without
it being funny?
If people think ITV's Crime Stories is perfectly acceptable then we may soon well be heading for
this level of pointlessness.............
Love this shit....do you ever see/find something and just wonder who the fuck came up with this, what goes on in their mind?.......check out the stance on this lady x
I realize I’m treading old ground here because the internet
is awash with people humiliating bootleg toys and fake merchandise but I here feel
the need to share my experiences, thoughts and feelings on the matter and provide you with my own insights into
some of the finest rip offs we have been blessed with.
I have always had an acute fascination with fake goods (bootlegs, rip offs
or whatever you want to call them) and think they are fucking hilarious, bringing me to
tears for the better on many occasions throughout my life. Fakes were pretty
bad when I was younger and the earliest memory that comes to mind was a ‘Burke
Simson’ T- shirt I seen some poor kid wearing in the very early 90’s. Of course this was supposed to be ‘Bart Simpson’
but the name along with the skin tone and shape of his head had been skewed to
the extent that this impostor only vaguely resembled Bart.
I myself had a close call with a bootleg when I was younger at
an indoor market down in Blackpool when on holiday with my folks sometime in
the early 1990s. There in this indoor market
hanging high above my head was a fake teenage mutant ninja turtles (T.M.N.T)
jogging suit with a graphic emblazoned upon it which appeared to depict a melee
of green characters engaged in some form of combat. It didn’t take too close an inspection to
conclude that these were not the genuine turtles of mainstream popular culture
which I knew that all my friends were familiar with. These mutant turtles appeared to be
undergoing a mutation that had transgressed that of their authentic
counterparts. For some strange reason the designer of this piece thought it
would be good to give these turtles a ‘ LARGE
YELLOW BEAK’ akin to that of a parrot’s in place of the wee oblong faces which characterize the genuine turtles we are all familiar with. To add insult to
injury these impostors also appeared to be longer limbed than their authentic
counterparts making them look ‘lanky’, ‘forlorn’ and horrendously pathetic. I couldn't and still cannot locate the logic of
these design flaws………even at a young age (10 -12) I would look beyond these
horrific designs and ask myself how could this happen? How could someone think
that making these was a good idea?
Anyway, in the market my mum raised her right hand towards this horrific looking jogging suit and pressed against it slightly as a means to present it to me,
looking toward me at the same time as if to seek my approval. At this moment she muttered something like “what about this one?” but by the time
she had finished saying it, she’d made eye contact with me and I knew from her
look that she had identified the despair on my face, and as a response to my behavior she in turn appeared to slump into a despair because of my
disapproval………. “Ah bless…. my wee maw, the things she had to put up with” I
can now say to myself in reflection. At
the time however I was genuinely mortified at the prospect of owning this
absolute fucking tear jerker of a garment as the possibility of beatings from
my disapproving acquaintances back home permeated my fears. Now you could say that I was materialistic
but I was not taking a kicking for this, and that’s the way I looked at it.
I have tried in vain to source an online image of said
bootleg in question but sadly without success to this date, I hope the
following compensates to some extent.....
Tortoise!!!
More turtle's, this time on horseback; one of them minus an eye and about to decapitate their beloved equine....
What fascinates me more than anything, more than the
hilarity itself is the very fact that these fakes come to be in the first
place. Throughout my youth I can remember wondering; How can another human,
clearly older, clearly more mature than I, an adult for fuck sake create these
products? Because’ does it not suggest that those responsible for making these products
actually believe in what they are doing?............ they believe in the worth
of their creations! Can this be true?
I wonder also though if this may be just an experience felt within the current generations and in fact some of our parents (the older ones)
are or were oblivious to the necessity of owning a genuine product as opposed to a fake because
as children, they themselves did not need to worry about label and brand
elitism as such a culture did not exist yet.
As I do not have any kids of my own I can only imagine how bad the
problem is these days but am certain that it is indeed a problem.
I say this because not too long ago when wandering around
Paisley I was drawn to one of those shambolic domestic goods stores, you know
one of the ones that sell anything and in no particular order, the ones with
the overcrowded window behind which you’ll likely find a life size Charlie Chaplin
statue, an anorexic porcelain clown, hash pipes, strobe-lights, 5 different
shapes of bin, I.R.A toys, psychedelic fag tins and a Hampden park ashtray. Amidst the cluttered window display I caught
sight of this sorry state of affairs……..
Pop Station: The horrific Nemesis of the Sony P.S.P and
an absolute heartbreaker at Christmas no doubt!
So my initial reaction was to laugh when I seen this but my feelings changed to that of sympathy as I began to imagine the
fear and sense of isolation felt by the poor kid that got one of these on Christmas morning. This device may aswell have come with a free t-shirt with 'BULLY ME PLEASE' printed on the back. The problem is much worse than this though because after much research online I found an abundance of absolute fucking tearjerkers which il share with you here.
Check this out; a review of 'The Polystation 3', yep an absolute beezer of a 'Playstation 3' rip-off........
Polystation 3: Sorrow awaits the child gifted with one of these
Nintendont are at it aswell with their take on the 'Wii'....the Nintendo 'Wee'........aye the 'wee' man will be in tears this Christmas morning when he see's this under the tree.............
More portable bullying magnets....
Another playstation rip off............................. Super Megason 4
Advanced boy................................keep believing that and youl be fine
Darth Vader during his undocumented bout of depression during which time he was said to have temporarily lost use of the force for a number of
months......................
Vader on coke, in mexico
UZAY........
A completely valid case for Christianity..............
Thomas the tank engine appears to be winning the war on drugs by the look in his eyes...
Teletubby 'Dipsy' appears to be loosing the war on drugs however. By the look in his eyes he's at the arse end of a heroin bender and would have no qualms murdering a member of his own family.................
Harry Potter's car seem's to have been cut from the story lines we are all familiar with.............
I pity this fool.......
Spiderman, that time he needed a gun....
here's a value pack of superhero's. One can assume that the 'sense of right alliance' is someones take on 'the avengers' or 'the justice league'. I think ther's genuine scope for this movie but i dont think they'l fit into the car.
Real Hero's......Robert cop 3 & Specialman
And 'He-Man', had he have come from govan.........
Thing. Dunno what it is but it makes me wonder...........
Wooof.....
Ok, not really a fake or a bootleg, but “Lay egg…Its true”.........................
Sonic meow....
How????......................
Batman and Spiderman may seem a bit bemused at being members of 'The Avengers'; at least the Avatar guy seems quite happy with the whole thing.......
This may come across to you as insane but for those who know me well(or unwell) im sure it wont be so unusual............. Woke up this morning and thought to myself 'yolo' and then wondered how far this new found patter could be permeated into my psyche. I usually feel like shit in the morning but this morning 'yolo' seemed to be doing it for me; I was absorbing its essence and meaning into my own character. I left for work with a spring in my step because of it, happy as fuck under the bright Autumn sun as I walked along the path outside my house which was today decorated in a plethora of golden brown and yellow crispy leaves. As I walk along the path 'yolo' encompasses my whole sense of being; a euphoria which makes me feel that everything I do is going to be for the first and last time and I should therefore relish each moment free of any worry or hang ups. Its fair to say that I was experiencing 'the yolo effect'. Crossing the first road I come to I see a car coming towards me and as im coming up on my 'yolo' buzz the first thing my brain and body wants to do is jump into the air and through the windscreen of this moving car, karate kick style. When I was younger I had the pleasure of putting a brick though a large television screen which had been dumped by the roadside on the outskirts of my town, so the sensation of popping a large glass bubble is one I recall with much fondness and can imagine that a car windscreen would feel much the same.
But here lies the problem with 'yolo'........... we do not know how far we can go with it........ Of course there's something morally wrong about jumping through a moving car's windscreen feet first, but in all honesty it was a sensation that my senses could justify amidst the realization that 'you only live once'.... Its violent, its destructive I know but I am certain I would have remained smiling throughout.
I was never gonna do it though........ because my moral framework was keeping me in check and of course so were the consequences and of course this all seems silly doesn't it :). It does however make me realize how far into our psyche the attitude laden slogans of popular culture can permeate into how we think about things and how this can influence our behavior, influencing how we think we are and what we think we can do.
How far do we go with 'yolo'? You cant deny that its nice and seems to encourage a positive state of mind with no reservations but does it not just give us an excuse to vent our madness free of morals?, 'try anything once' is another recommended attitude which is not far off the 'yolo' state of being, but if we tried anything once im sure we'd all be dead. Yolo x
Thoughts and ideas come inconsistently and when they do it seems the best thing to do is go for the wee scrap of paper and jot down what it is your thinking, feeling or envisioning. Ok in this day and age we've got our smartphones with built in digital keyboards to type into if if we need to but im old fashioned and besides i think it would look a bit wanky and wouldn't suit me. So once ive arrived home from wherever ive been and depending on whether my little bit of paper has remained intact and readable amidst the cock, ball and bum gases which frequent the area around and within my pockets then here is the platform I wish to transfer my thoughts, feelings, ideas and visions onto.
And so with this it is true that I indeed find some worth with what goes on in my head and maybe you will too, regardless of whether you do or not then this will be a good place for me to record what goes on up their(in yon heid). I will be humorous, I will be serious, it will probably be fucked up at times and I may often tear myself and others apart in the process. So enjoy, and il speak my words at you soon :)
